So I’m gonna kick things off with the most recent story I have.

So one of my best buddies, FlipSide, has this big night planned for his birthday. Though I’m not a clubber, even in the lightest sense, obviously I’m in for this. How could I not be, right?

Limo, to and from, the club. VIP section. Six 40 oz bottles of hard liquor. Unbelievable beyties* as far as the eyes can see. (Just to clear up any confusion. “Beyties” is a term coined by Hurley, another friend of mine, who comes into this story later. It is basically a much more polite way of saying, “Hot Bitches”. Pardon my French.) Anyways, where could this go wrong? Word of advice, don’t ever ask yourself that fucking question.

Now, I am a beer drinker. I’m all about the beer. But I can handle my liquor when the night calls for it. Or so I like to think. I’m pretty sure you can see where this is headed. The warning signs were in fucking plain sight. Here, I’ll lay them out for you.

1. We arrive at the club at 10 o clock. It’s fucking empty. So the 16 of us storm into that place like a fucking Tractor Storm of amped up anticipation. Someone brings us our first two bottles, so obviously we start things off with a round of shots. We all down our shots, and mine hits me like a punch in the balls. I sink into the VIP seats and put my head in my hands. Everybody looks at me with disgust.

FlipSide: What’s up dude?

Granola: You’re kidding me right?

Rooster: Dude, that shot did not go down well. What the fuck?

PornStar: Get the fuck up and drink you pussy.

When PornStar is into something, it’s goddam contagious. So obviously, I stopped being a pussy, got the fuck up, and he made me a drink.

2. For those of you who know PornStar, his drinks contain about 50 percent alcohol, 50 percent whatever we’re mixing with. And he mixed my rum with what apparently is supposed to be orange juice. Fuck that shit. If that was orange juice than I’m a fucking light bulb. If oranges could piss, than that’s what their piss would taste like. I’m sitting next to my buddy Strong when I take the first sip.

Rooster: AH. What The fuck!? This tastes like shit…..And Ice Cream! This tastes like fucking shit and ice cream! What is this!?

Everybody around me is laughing their asses off at my reaction.

Rooster: Strong. Drink this. Taste it. Drink my shit and ice cream!

Strong: I don’t want that shit man!

Rooster: TASTE IT!

I cannot stress this fact enough. This was the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. But PornStar would have none of my pussyness. So obviously I downed the whole thing as fast as I could.

3. The conclusion.

So here we were, after another hour or so of drinking, and it hits me. I think I’m gonna die. I sit down with this look of death on my face. And a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in forever sits on the end of the booth. And motions for me to come over. I shake my head. She keeps motioning. And somehow I manage to scooch over.

SheFriend: So how have you been?

I look at her, motion to wait one second, and turn my head away.


My body just decides at this point; “Fuck you man. I’ve had enough”. I start puking all over the inside of the WHITE booth. And like a fucking drunken fool, I cover my mouth with my hand. And obviously it sprays out the sides. All over the fucking place.

The Aftermath

I don’t remember if I even got to talk to SheFriend after that, so I have no idea how she reacted to this display of pure trash. But my friend Hurley was sitting right next to the point of impact. And the look on his face could have books written about it. As he noticed me puking, his face contorted into the most jokes look of “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW” If I wasn’t too busy puking my life out, I would have died laughing.

But like a total bro,  he gets up, somehow procures a massive amount of napkins, and we manage to clean it all up without a single bouncer noticing. It was like magic. It was glorious. And the best part is, after that, I felt like gold. And I just continued my night, and partied like a motherfucker with all my people. And now I have a jokes story out of it.

I asked Hurley later on in the week about it. Just to see if he remembered all this happening.

Hurley: Oh ya man. I was so fucking drunk. It was the most fucked up thing that could have happened at that point man. I looked at you, and there was puke fucking spurting out the sides of your mouth. It was so trippy man.