Archive for June, 2012

Pick Up Fuck

So. As you all know. I’m Rooster. And with this little entry here I’m gonna try and help you understand what it’s like to be Rooster.

Not like, by explaining to you about crowing at the sunrise, that would be strange. But I suppose I could if you insisted…….you fucking weirdo.

No, today I’m going to tell a short story to give you a bit of insight into my absentminded retardobrain.

Place: PornStar’s pick-up truck.

So PornStar and I are headed out to get FlipSide from his place of employment. Now I’m relatively used to his pick-up now, or so I like to think. But at this moment in my life, I was most certainly not.

So we pull up at FlipSide’s work. And he walks around to the passenger side to get in, while I move over into the middle seat. And just as he opens the door:


The truck accelerates like a motherfucker, slamming the passenger door, and leaving FlipSide freaked the fuck out behind it.

Now all of this happens in a total of about five fucking ridiculous fucking seconds.

I’m completely oblivious, head in the fucking clouds, no fucking idea what’s going on. And I look at PornStar with huge eyes. He is already looking at me, and I completely misjudge his facial expression. Which obviously said something like, “You are so fucking stupid, you waste of human space”.

Rooster: Dude. What the fuck are you doing?
PornStar: You fucking idiot! It’s fucking you!
Rooster: OH SHIT!

And I looked down, and took MY FUCKING FOOT off the gas pedal.
Yes. That’s right people. I actually UNKNOWINGLY pressed on the gas pedal, while a PASSENGER. Following this, I, completely unaware, kept my foot on it for FIVE FULL SECONDS before taking my foot off.

When FlipSide got in the truck finally, he flipped the fuck out. Obviously, at PornStar, because what other conclusion could he have come to?
That, somehow, the other guy in the truck did it? HAH. How is that even possible?

FlipSide: Dude. That was so gay. I almost fucking died.
PornStar: It was Rooster.
FlipSide: Fuck off man.
Rooster: No really it was me.

And FlipSide looked at me with complete astonished disbelief. Obviously.

And I think you’d believe, I’m never gonna live this one down. These two guys certainly haven’t shut up about it.

I genuinely did not know what I was doing. And I don’t understand it, really. It fucking baffles my brain. I actually thought it was PornStar just fucking around. But it was just my clumsy absentminded fucking self.

And that, my lovely four readers, is an insight into what it’s like to be a fucking idiot. Wait no, sorry, an insight into what it’s like to be me. My bad. You’ll see as these posts keep coming, it’ll be a recurring theme. I’ve tried to analyse these situations, maybe understand how I can be like this. But fuck if that’s paid off.

I’ll keep you apprised.

Ignite Me

Alright, so, I took a big break. After only writing like, two blog entries. Cause I’m a huge loafer and didn’t feel like sitting in front of my computer and typing up another story.

So this one I’m going fucking legend.

Back in our younger days, a group of us used to do stupid shit. We still do, but we did back than too. And we called ourselves Dumbass. Which is obviously cheaply derived from the legendary Jackass boys. But fuck it. I don’t give a shit. This story became the stuff of legend. (Possibly only in my mind)

PornStar was always the craziest motherfucker out of all of us. Seriously, any amount of time with this guy would lead to such a torrent of hilarity and crazy shit that I’m surprised one of us isn’t dead right now. We could get him to do the most ridiculous shit. And half the time he would come up with the ideas for the most ridiculous shit. And this particular occasion was probably the dumbest fucking thing we have ever done.

PornStar wanted us to set him on fire. I mean, really wanted us to. Like to the point where I think it was just safer for us to light him on fire than not. I don’t know what drove him to want this so much, but he was so adamant about it, that obviously, it became the best idea in the world. I remember his girlfriend at the time was flipping the fuck out.

Girlfriend: No! I forbid you to let them set you on fire!

PornStar: Bitch! Shut the fuck up!

I don’t think PornStar said that. But I like to believe he did.

So we get together with Granola and a guy who we used to chill with sometimes, Carpenter. And the question arises. How do you intelligently set a guy on fire? HAH. Intelligently set a guy on fire. That sounds fucking stupid as shit. And we have no idea how to do this, so we wing it. I had this huge ass sweater, and we stick it in the freezer for a couple hours till it froze. And we head out.

The three of them get themselves some forties, and get Fuckass drunk, while I stay sober. Because, well, a bunch of drunk guys with the intention of setting a guy on fire sounds about as smart as fighting a pack of rabid dogs. None of us have a pool for him to jump into to put out the fire, so we walk to a nearby bridge, the Jacques Cartier. The place is fenced off so we have to sneak in under the fences so we don’t get caught trespassing. I think on that day we were fucking wizards. Cause we were probably as subtle as a fucking headshot. Falling over fences and screaming and shit. And than setting a guy on fire? Somehow nobody caught us. Skillzz with a double zed bro.

The Ignition

So here we are under the bridge. Granola is holding the video camera, and I am the designated lighter of the fire. PornStar puts on the frozen sweater, puts the hood up, and I take out the gasoline.

So now he has 3rd degree burns all over his body. It’s really unfortunate.

Trollllllllllllllllin. I didn’t use fucking gasoline. The fuck is wrong with you? Are you that easily convinced? Jesus. Who’s dumb enough to pour gasoline all over their friend and then set him on fire. That’s fucking crazy. Dumbass.

It was rubbing alcohol. I doused PornStar from head to toe, in rubbing alcohol. At least we took the smart route right?

So now it’s time to do this thing. We’re all set, PornStar is ready, he gives the signal, and yells the most epic two words he could possibly use to kick this thing off.

PornStar: IGNITE ME!

And I do just that. In quick succession, I light his two pant legs, his back, and the back of his head (hood up obviously) on fire.

It was completely and fucking entirely insane. One of the most insane things I have ever seen in this mediocre fucking life. As he stands there, with the camera trained on him, he raises his arms up to both sides, and starts yelling like he’s trying to go over 9000. The flames raised from his head and hands what seemed like fucking 10 feet in the air. And he looked like a goddamned monster. Like the fucking Human Torch. He took the flames for about a full 20 seconds. It was fucking Legendary. And than when all was said and done, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He fell back into the St. Lawrence river. And for those of you who aren’t from Montreal, which is none, The St. Lawrence river is a dirty ass fucking river in Montreal.

So to make things simple.

PornStar got set on fire, and jumped in the St. Lawrence.