Good day my friendly friends. Today I go a fair distance back, 5 years or so. Back to my dumbass days. For those of you who have not read “Ignite Me”, first off, you blow entire ass. Quite literally. And second off, back in the dumb teenage stage, PornStar, Granola, Mysa, TinyBoi and I, used to do stupid shit, film it, and call ourselves Dumbass. We were no Jackass, mind you, but we did some fucked up shit.

The day is Halloween. The year, 07.

Now I am not a fan of Halloween. I stopped trick or treating somewhere around 8 or something. And unless I have reason, like dressing up as Wolverine while a current girlfriend dresses as The Phoenix, I won’t wear a costume.

On this particular occasion however, I had good reason. On this Halloween, I dressed as a fucking chicken. Well, it was a bit of a weak ass chicken, but a chicken nonetheless. Pornstar’s Mom had bought a fucking fifty dollar chicken mask for me, so you know it was legit. And I wore a super small fucking girl sweater that Mysa gave me. So really, I was a guy with a giant chicken mask, which I wore the fuck out of by the way, a tiny yellow sweater, and jeans. I was motherfucking Baws Chicken.

The plan. Go to KFC.

Yes. Mhm. I, Dressed as a chicken, went to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Mysa filmed the entire thing, and to top it all off, she was dressed as Charmeleon. Fucking motherfucking fucking Charmeleon. It was excellent.

So I walk into KFC, all nonchalant and not giving any fucks at all. I hadn’t even done anything yet and all the patrons in this evil fucking fast food joint are mindfucked. People doing double takes and staring open mouthed and shit.

So I walk up to the counter, and stand at the end of the line. I’m entirely winging it. No plan whatsoever. Standing there basically acting as if I’m reading the menu. And most of the people in the line haven’t even noticed this motherfucking chicken kid standing there.

It gets to me, and I approach the counter. And the person next to me fucking freaks the fuck out. Silently, but rather obviously. And I look at her for longer then what is acceptable glance duration. Which freaks her out even more. And then I turn to the person at the counter. And this chick be trippin. And without even thinking about what I say.

Rooster: I want my kids back.

These wonderful KFC fucking employees were not trained for this shit. What the fuck are you supposed to do in this situation? COOK the giant chicken man? I can see the headline.

Hybrid Chicken Man Accuses KFC Of Stealing Children, KFC Cooks It

So these people have no idea what to do. How to proceed?

Rooster: Someone took my children. I really miss them. And I know it was you!

The younger employees weren’t even laughing. What the fuck, you think this ISN’T a joke? You think I’m a real fucking chicken?

Cause obviously I was.

So at this point the “badass” one steps forward.

Mr. Badass: C’est quoi tu fait man. (French for what are you doing man. For those of you non French speakers)

Rooster: You kidnapped my fucking children. And now you’re gonna fucking cook them. And bread them. Then Bitches are gonna eat them. And I want them back! Gimme my fucking kids!

Mr. Badass says nothing and just looks at me. The other employees behind have no more fucking jaws, seeing as they fell through the fucking floor.


And Mr. Badass’ response was to grab the chicken mask and yank it. Oh now you fucken gone and done it fuckstick. I’m a fucking chicken. And a fucking chicken does not take kindly to having his face pulled. So I slapped his hand away super hard. Which completely scared the fucking everything out of him. And I screamed fucking loud as shit.


And this is the point I felt it appropriate to squawk in his goddamned face. I swear to fucking Yoda, I got so close to his face when I squawked, I could have snapped his nose off with my real fucking chicken beak.

I then proceeded to run around KFC multiple times flapping my arms and squawking like the pimp fucking chicken I was.

What a fucking scene I made. Rest assured, everyone in that place will never fucking forget that crazy shit. I made their lives.

P.S I fucking hate KFC