Archive for January, 2013


Sing Your Hearts Out In Chinatown

KARAOKEEEEEEEE. Seriously. Karaoke fuck. Seriously. No but seriously. Karaoke.

Seriously though. Karaoke.

I fucking love Karaoke. I can hardly claim that I’m a good singer. But I love the fuck out of doing it. So that doesn’t matter. Because karaoke exists. And I fucking love karaoke. In case I haven’t mentioned that.

So I’m pretty sure it’s obvious this is gonna be about karaoke. WELL FUCK YOU. I don’t play the obvious. The obvious can suck me off and spit in your face.

Woah.

Jesus. I’m so sorry for that. Just imagine I’m backspacing over that sentence. Or don’t. If like….you swing that way. Or whatever.

So friday night a big group of us head out for a karaoke night. Remicks, of late, has become extremely acquainted with a group of Asians. He’s been working at Blowfish’s restaurant for a while, so he’s become the white friend that accompanies them to all the Asian events. And apparently they do karaoke like it’s a religion.

And a fun little tidbit. They make him rap Eminem while they drink. So he’s like their white entertainment. And this is according to Remicks himself.

So the place that Remicks takes us to is in the heart of Chinatown in Montreal. And it is fucking NOTHING like we expected. I don’t even know what the fuck we expected. The place is a private karaoke joint. You rent out sick ass rooms and sing your fucking hearts out with your friends while drinking your life away.

This we expected.

But when we get there, from the outside, it looked like nothing. Walking down this random ass street, you’d have no idea there’s a fucking karaoke place. And when we walk in the door, it’s like the inside of a fucking strip mall. All these shops boarded up and rather ghetto. I was genuinely concerned I just walked onto the fucking Walking Dead.

So we’re standing there. Grunting and moaning. Eating the shopkeepers and whatnot. You know how it is.

We hear this terrible drone of singing drift up from downstairs. There’s this creepy ass stairwell in the middle of the area, and it turns out, the karaoke place is down this staircase. Still no fucking sign though. But whatever.

So we head down and the place turns from beatdown Chinese strip mall to this fucking lit up karaoke joint. It was so well camouflaged we couldn’t fucking believe it was even there. And as soon as we walk down, we’re already in the minority. I got this feeling the place isn’t used to big groups of non Asians. And we were fucking 20 people give or take.

So we get to our room all the way in the back. A lot of us are already in there. And the singing gets started. We order a shit fuck ton of alcohol. Rum and beer and some kinda high fucking class whiskey or whatever that Remicks wanted us to drink. And everybody starts to get fucking loaded.

Remicks becomes the intense guy that he is. Well. Fuck that. He’s already that intense guy. He didn’t just fucking stop before this point of the story. But he’s screaming at everyone, trying to get the group to pay the fuck attention. His goal is to school us in the ways of the Asian dice games that have gotten him so fucked up on a number of occasions.

Remicks: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU WANNA GET FUCKING CULTURED?! FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

Yeah it didn’t work. To Remicks complete disappointment.

But by this time. Our buddy Yams has already started his raping of the karaoke machine. And everyone else was soon to follow. But Yams. This fucking guy is the motherfucking MVP of the fucking night. All night this motherfucker sung his life away. Rapping, singing, fucking dancing or what the fuck ever. He wrecked it. Made that shit his bitch.

FlipSide and I end up having to break our seals rather early. So we find our way to the washroom. And there’s a line for the urinals. So we’re standing there for a couple minutes and new Asian dudes keep coming in and going in front of us. And I’m gonna throw it all out there, we were very intimidated. Some of these guys were rather intense. Some Yakuza fucking Triad type of shit. Which I could totally be entirely wrong about. But. You know. Fuck danger.

We stood there, both contemplating what step to take. We looked at each other with questioning looks.

FlipSide: Yaaaaaaa. Wanna go piss outside?

Rooster: Fuck yea I do.

So we peaced the fuck out. Went into the freezing cold, no coats, and pissed in the street.

So the booze is dwindling down quite quickly. Bitches be running wild and fucking hoes.

That’s not true. But. That alcohol gut fucking DRANK. But to my utter fucking dismay. After a couple rum and cokes, I realized tonight is not gonna be a drinking night for me. One of those fucking nights that the booze makes you feel sick before you’re even fucking drunk. Which blows whale ass. And whales don’t enjoy that shit. So that’s fucking dangerous. And there’s fucking danger everywhere.

So I stop drinking and start working the machine. Throwing song after song into the cue. And the setlist at this place is not good. One of the worst group of fucking options I’ve seen. But I threw all that shit in there anyways and the fucking entire group benefited. All the random music coming on couldn’t have been better for the atmosphere.

But it wasn’t working for me. Fucking shit fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck. Not being drunk was not resonating with my loveable self. And something had to be done.

And what’s the best remedy? Let’s get fucking hiiiiiiiigh.

I came prepared. With a nice dub ready to send us to the fucking clouds. And it turns out, I wasn’t alone in this thought. Another bro you haven’t been introduced to yet, Suffix, the beautiful mind he is, also had a joint handy. So we grab some of the usuals and head upstairs, Hurley, Aces, Remicks, Mars. Spark some cigars and cigarettes and get the joints doing their rounds. Some of us smoking outside, some inside. Because we’re cool like that.

That’s not true. It’s cause we’re allowed. At this place they allow smoking indoors. So keep that in mind as this story progresses.

So like I said. I wasn’t able to get drunk. But, fortunately for me, the ganja. Oh the ganja changed that. I didn’t have to be drunk. I was tipsy enough for the pot to fucking boost my shit into outer fucking space.

After this little session, we stormed back into that place like a fucking stampede. Aces was drunker than me before we smoked, and he ran in fucking yelling and hit one of the closed up shops at full speed. And we weren’t far behind. We fucking careened around the corner of the staircase and fucking sprinted down into that place. And it was obvious to the slowly increasing number of patrons, that we were becoming outrageous. Conspicuous. Super fucking explosive obnoxious, if you will.

And from this point on, shit went bananas. This fucking room was like a giant benefit concert. FUCKING EVERYONE was singing. And Yams was at the fucking head of the fucking herd.

Yams the MVP. Massive Vagina Prince.

Close behind him were Remicks and Suffix. Those guys were so into it it was inspirational. And it fed the fucking souls of everyone else there. Everyone became so into the Karaoke. And the best example. Survivor. By Destiny’s Child.

That loud deep voice you hear above all. That’s Remicks. And he can sing my pants off.

And that wasn’t the end of it. Fucking Akon and Eminem were there. The Beatles made an appearance. Our buddy CAB fucking owned the shit out of Deep Purple. The Backstreet Boys, obviously. What’s karaoke without the fucking Backstreet Boys?

And while all this is happening everyone’s fucking drinking their faces to the floor. People are smoking fucking everywhere. When we would go from our room into the hall outside it had become fucking PACKED. Asians everywhere. Along with the occasional honkie like us. Smoking up a storm. It was like a fucking tobacco hotbox.

Going into the hall was like walking into a fucking club. The contrast was incredulous.

And this entire time. I’m fucking HIGH. Fucking blasted to shit. I’m in the room while everyone’s singing their voices hoarse, screaming and getting in peoples faces. And I get the urge to do MY fucking karaoke.

Those of you who know me, know what I’m talking about. I can fucking scream. And I love it. And in small quantities it’s fucking great. But that night. I put fucking 5 Linkin Park songs in a row. Screaming my fucking life out. One Step Closer comes on and I’m so fucking into it it’s like nobody’s even in the room with me.

Rooster: SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUUUUUUT UUUUUP! AND I’M ABOUT TO BREAK!

I was ready to fucking go again, when Remicks comes up to me.

Remicks: Dude. Rooster man. You gotta stop.

So I put on The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars. And SCREAM the shit out of it.

So from here things go at a steady pace. You’ve got the picture basically. Crazy fucking night.

And I’m sitting with Mars and CAB, and Mars is taking photos of them with her camera. I’m not paying much attention. I dunno what the fuck was happening in my mind. But she gets my attention. Screaming.

Mars: ROOSTER! OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS.

And she proceeds to show me a picture. This picture. Is the fucking picture. To master all fucking pictures. And in my state of mind. I couldn’t even handle it. It fucked my face and smacked it against the kitchen sink.

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So the night’s coming close to an end. And Remicks, somehow, has managed to get some motherfuckers CULTURED.

He’s got the dice game going with Aces, FlipSide, and TBG. And if you think they’re fucked before this game. FUCK THAT. I don’t know how the game works, but those guys got goddamned cultured. Whatever the fuck that means.

As a couple of us are leaving to go catch a cab, Aces comes over. And he is fucking PLASTERED.

Aces: Roosterrrrr. Whyyyy are you guys leavving??? COME ON MAN. I’M SAD.

Rooster: We gotta go man.

Aces: Fucking stay man. It’s only 3 man! Come onnnnnnn.

Rooster: Dude I’m fucking dead. I wanna go home. I want to.

Aces: You don’t have to be a fucking dick.

It was intense. And fucking hilarious. And I’m told his level of drunkenness progressed to the point of being fucking sick. And on the ride home, sick ass Aces fucking pulls out a Samuel Adams in the fucking car. Fucking joker.

On top of this, on our way out of this place. The funniest cab fucking moment ever occurred. We’re stumbling onto a random street. And this cab is driving towards us, so we flag it down.

But I realize that on the top, it doesn’t have a taxi sign. Is has this lit up advertisement for lawyers or some shit. And this fucks me up. And I stop.

Rooster: Wait. Is this even a fucking cab?

The cab driver gets out and I’m still hesitating. I swear to fucking Eugene Levy, I was so confused, I thought this was a fucking lawyer car. I thought this guy was getting out to offer us lawyer services. That was my train of fucking thought.

Rooster: Wait. Wait guys. I think he’s a lawyer. I don’t think it’s a cab.

And while this is happening the cab driver is opening the door for us and getting ready to let us in. And my train of thought makes CAB think with me.

CAB: HEY. Hey is this a cab?

Driver: What?

CAB: Is this a cab? It says lawyers on the top.

Driver: Of course this is a cab. That’s just advertising.

I was fucking DYING. I couldn’t even get in the car I was laughing so hard. And the cab driver. Oh man the cab driver. He looked at us like we were fucking assholes. Fucking dumb pieces of shit. And obviously. He’s kinda right.

Oh. And just as a final note. Great night. Fucking AMAZING memory. Super beast time. But. One problem. Everyone had to go and fucking sing Call Me Maybe.

FUCK CALL ME MAYBE. Seriously. Fuck that fucking song. It is the downfall of the entire fucking universe.

I Am A Nerd

So. It’s been a while. It seems I have taken some sort of hiatus that I didn’t intend to take. I apologize to the 4 of you. I’LL GET MY FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER OKAY!? FUCK. Cough. Uh.

Yes, so I have a few stories I’m going to start working on. But in the meantime I’ll leave you crazy batches with something to bide the time.

I’m not sure if you’re aware. But I’m a writer. Yes. I know. Fucking surprised your ass eh? Believe it or not I haven’t always written these entirely inappropriate and fucking curse filled stories.

So I’ll share one with you that I think is fucking awesome as fucking AWESOME.

And yes.

It is a Star Wars short story.

Nerds betta fucken recognize. K PEACE.

Tense. Breaths coming slowly, but heavily. He stood there, his eyes piercing the other’s.  He didn’t feel he was ready for this, his master had high confidence in him, but he thought it was misplaced.

He felt his lightsaber heavy at his side. Standing there, trying to stay calm, but sure that his opponent could tell he was not. He tried prying into his opponent’s mind, but his force barriers were too strong. This only reinforced his thinking. “I’m not ready”, he thought.

His opponent felt the words emanate from his mind, and knew this was the time to strike. Before Jacen could tell what was happening, Preygan was lunging, with his lightsaber held high and strong above his head. It was an aggressive lightsaber style, one used by servants of the dark side.

Jacen summoned the force and sent a gust of wind towards Preygan, but Preygan was too strong, and with a swoosh of his hand sent the gust flying to the left. This caught Jacen off guard,  and he did not have enough time to bring up a defensive block with his lightsaber.

His lightsaber unclipped from his belt, and flew to his hand, but before he had time to ignite his blade, Preygan was on him.

Jacen screamed as Preygan’s glowing red lightsaber pierced through his shoulder. It was one of the worst sensations Jacen had ever felt. It was as if the wound was burning him, but freezing him simultaneously.  Jacen opened his eyes and looked into Preygan’s. His eyes were orange, and his pupils were slits.

Preygan removed the lightsaber from Jacen’s shoulder, and stepped back. He slid his left foot back, and bent his right knee low. He raised his lightsaber above his head, pointing it outward in the direction of Jacen.

Jacen knew he was toying with him. He felt the wound in his shoulder, it was cold, he could not move his arm. He summoned the force and flipped himself back, a distance away from Preygan. Standing upright, Jacen looked down at the ground, calming himself, and let his arms fall to his side. He flicked his right wrist outwards and a silver beam of light erupted from the hilt of his lightsaber. He looked up at Preygan, feeling more confident now.

Preygan seemed intrigued. His head tilted to the side at the sight of his opponent, just standing there, no stance. He was unable to see his intentions. His mouth twisted into a haggard grin, baring his sharp teeth. “More of a challenge” he thought.

He sprinted towards Jacen. Jacen just stood, watching as the Sith raced towards him. Yelling, Preygan brought up his blade, and slashed down at Jacen. With remarkable speed Jacen swung his lightsaber up and the two blades clashed in a brilliant void of silver and ruby.

It was a remarkable scene, as the two beings avoided each other’s blows, blocking, twisting, and striking. The two lightsabers struck time and time again. The sounds of the lightsaber hissing and buzzing as they struck.

Just as it seemed the fight could go on forever, Preygan blocked one last strike by Jacen. He was lower, bent down, and he spun out of the lightsaber lock. Bringing his lightsaber to slash Jacen’s stomach, and then his right knee.

Jacen yelped and fell to the ground. Lying on his back clutching his stomach, with his lightsaber still ignited in his right hand, he looked at Preygan. “Do your worst.” he said.

Jacen anticipated Preygan’s worst, he knew how he slaughtered his most prized opponents.

Preygan flipped his lightsaber twice around his fingers, then holding it pointing downwards, with his two hands grasping the hilt, he stabbed downwards towards Jacen’s face.

Jacen, anticipating this, moved his head out of the way just in time, and grabbing Preygan’s wrist, brought his lightsaber slashing through his forearm. Preygan staggered back, staring in shock at where his hand used to be.

Jacen pressed the button on Preygan’s lightsaber hilt, and his blade shrunk into the hilt. He sent it careening like a bullet towards his foe. Just as it hit Preygan’s chest, the Ruby blade exploded from the hilt and tore through skin, muscle, bone. Erupting from his back. Standing there, surprised, he looked down at the hilt. Feeling the similar feeling Jacen felt just minutes before.

Feeling weak, the only thing on his mind was revenge. As he sprinted once again towards Jacen, Jacen rolled out of the way and sliced through Preygan’s left calf and upwards through his right knee. Preygan flew forwards and landed on his back, the blade protruding from him, tearing through the floor.

Clutching his stomach and faring his left leg, Jacen got up and walked over to the body of  Preygan. He could hear the low hum of the blade lodged in his chest and into the ground below him. He pressed the button on his blade and felt his own lightsaber hiss to a stop.

Thinking on how he felt before the fight, he collapsed to the ground as darkness surrounded him.