HELLO. It has been quite some time since I last blogged. So for those of you who can’t fucking remember. I am called Rooster.
It’s been a little over a year it seems. I wish I had a valid excuse to provide you wonderful homo sapiens with, but alas, I do not. Shit fucking HAPPENS OKAY!? GET OFF MY FUCKING ASS.
No but really. I just stopped. I don’t have an explanation. But I am now fucking back. Back like Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger. So consider this season 2 of Rooster’s Man Blog. I hope to take you on a trip on my metaphorical magic carpet. One that you will never forget.
So to start, I am going to take us back a ways. Back to the days of young Rooster. Little fucking loud shithead young Rooster.
If you’ve read my blogs from last season, you will remember what Dumbass is. But for the sake of story, I will assume that NOBODY FUCKING READ ANYTHING EVER.
Dumbass is what we used to call ourselves. We were those little dumbass fucking white kids. We idolized Jackass for some reason. And the most fun we could possibly fucking have was doing stupid ass shit that made adults look at us in fucking shame. Like we were goddamned delinquents.
Which I assure you we only kind of were. But in actuality we were the sweetest little bunnies that any parents could ask for. Scratch that last. I’d rather be a fucking kitten.
SO moving on. This dates back to when we were 16. These were the days of waking up early to skateboard all fucking day. Something I could not fucking do now. Seeing as I’m a lazy assfuck. But at the end of this day, we found ourselves at PornStar’s Dad’s house.
PornStar had the most brilliant fucking idea. Seriously. You’re about to read this idea and your mind is going to fucking EXPLODE into tiny little brains that you will then have to search out so you still have full brain capacity.
The idea. Build an obstacle course in the hallway in his basement. And then complete the obstacle course in absolute fucking darkness. And when I say obstacle course, I really mean throw a bunch of random ass shit all over the hallway and try and run to the other side and back without dying.
I’ll wait a second so you can pick up your brain. I know it’s likely difficult to continue reading when you’re partly fucking brain damaged.
OKAY. So it is literally NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE.
When I say darkness, I mean complete fucking darkness. Like as dark as The Governor’s fucking soul.
If you don’t get that reference then I hate you until you watch The Walking Dead.
So yes, not something that’s possible. Which I suppose we knew from the beginning. And that’s usually why we did these stupid fucking stunts. But we tried.
So PornStar went first. I couldn’t see, obviously, due to there being no fucking light. But I could hear it.
PornStar: *CRASH. BANG.* FUCK. FUCKKKK. WHAT THE FUCKKKKK.
This is all I hear from the hallway. Continuously. And it’s not a long fucking hallway, so I expected him back relatively quickly. But I’m pretty sure it took him about a fucking minute.
So he comes falling out of the darkness at our feet. Looking like he just ran through hell.
And now it’s my turn. Now due to the darkness, I have no visual memory of this. But I did have sensation. I can say, that I am not about to exaggerate how fucking difficult this was.
I start running through, and fucking immediately trip over I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT. Luckily though. I had NOTHING TO BREAK MY FUCKING FALL. So my face slams into the fucking wall.
And I’m screaming this entire time. Tripping and stumbling and running into fucking EVERYTHING that we put in this hall way. And when I make it to the other side, I’m thinking. I can make it back easier. I remember where everything is. You Fucking got this Rooster!
FUCKING WRONG. IT PROBABLY TOOK ME FUCKING LONGER TO GET BACK. Fucking stumbling and crashing into everything I hit on the way in. And by the end I had completely given up, and came fucking crawling out of that hallway. And there PornStar and Granola are. Laughing there motherfucking asses off.
So now it is Granola’s turn.
And this is where the TRUE point of the story comes in.
The motherfucking DOUBLE WHAMMY BITCHES.
Right before Granola was getting ready to take his turn. PornStar and I put our plan into motion. When he wasn’t paying attention. We went into the hallway and moved all this fucking shit we put into the rooms on the side. So this way he would have nothing blocking his way.
Now this wasn’t simply just to make him think he succeeded. Ohhhhhh no. Noooooooo nonononono. No it’s more than that.
So Granola gets ready. If I remember correctly, I’m pretty fucking sure he warmed up like a fucking bull.
And he takes off at fucking Warp Speed fuck. And we can hear him rejoicing as he’s running and not hitting anything. He thinks he just owned the fucking shit out of us. That he succeeded where alllll else failed.
But no. Because we are fucking terrible assholes.
Granola comes sprinting from the hallway, only to have his shins connect with two metal rods. TWO METAL FUCKING RODS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US!?!@#@
PornStar and I hid on both sides of the hallway at the end. And just as Granola returned, we swung these two rods simultaneously into his fucking shins. He fucking flew through the air like he thought he was fucking Superman. He screamed in such surprised agony that we fucking died. We were laughing so hard at his misery. So fucking hard. Because we are terrible fucking people.
I think he was mad at first. I mean. I don’t know why he wouldn’t be. But being 16 year old fucking dipshits, this didn’t matter. And the anger passed. And now we have this story. The story of the double whammy.
How is that an acceptable turn of events!? If we did that to someone now, they’d probably have broken their leg and fucking killed us. Instant end of friendship. At least for a little while. Until we bring flowers and a pocket pussy to him in the hospital. Just to cheer him up.