So, as of a few nights ago, I received permission from granola to tell a story. Now I’m my own man, and I don’t need nobody’s permission fo shit. I do what I want yo!
But I respect my bros. So I kept it locked in my mind safe. And only I have the password for that.
But here goes. Not sure how much I remember from this night. It was a motherfucking American Pie party. So I was as smashed as Robert Pattinson’s pug ugly fucking face.
This is the story of Granola’s condo-warming/ 21st birthday party.
So Granola had just moved into his condo, and it was conveniently in the same month of his birthday. So this party was an obvious necessity. Which we most obviously need a repeat of. Eh Granola? Big wink.
So. Big turn out. Lotsa booze and lotsa peoples. And lotsa fucking crunkness. A lot of it coming from me.
Now to start off. Two beast swords. Two beast ass motherfucking swords. This was my gift to the beautiful man. And when he opened his gift, he tripped some major fucking balls. The idea came from How I Met Yor Mother. My hope was that he would hang these up in his new condo, just like in the tv show. That was a year ago now, and I still haven’t seen them. I may have spent nights crying over this. But I also may not have. It will forever remain a mystery.
But we did get good use out of them. It goes like this.
It’s not too far into the party yet. A decent turn out so far. Good guy girl ratio, which is a definite plus. Tipsy bitches here. Drunk assholes there. PornStar’s girlfriend, Princess, was in full fledged judge the sluts mode. I think she breathed fire.
And it’s around this point, the flirtiest damn girl in the place demands a sword fight. When I say flirty I’m being generous. This girl would drunkenly latch onto one guy, and when that guy stops paying attention, move onto the next, and repeat. And this happened repeatedly throughout the night. I think there were times that I looked at Princess, and she was actually lost for words with this disgusted look on her face. The way she looked at this girl could have killed a fucking rhinoceros.
So, sword fight. This chick, we’re gonna call her……Screech; she was so into the idea of having a sword fight that it was actually annoying. She kept going on and on about it. Someone should have stuffed something in her mouth.
Like, I dunno, cabbage or something.
But eventually drunken Granola agreed to the terms. And I followed them outside onto the front lawn of the condos. I’m not sure if anyone in the upper condos got a look at the new tenant trying to have a sword fight, but if they did, that’s fucking awesome. So they’re circling each other, and Granola has this huge, anxious smirk on his face. And last minute he bails out. And what did I do? Fuck that. I wanted to have a fucking sword fight. Which is funny because…..
Rooster: I wanna have a fucking sword fight.
So I grabbed the sword from Granola and got into this crazy ass pose with my right hand holding the sword over my head, crouched with one leg in front like a fucking Jedi.
Screech: Be careful! We’re having a fake sword fight!
Drunken Rooster: Fuck that! These are real fucking swords. I’m having a fucking real fucking sword fight!
If I’m holding a real fucking sword, I’m not having a fake sword fight. That’s fucking ridiculous. When I fuck, you think I fake fuck? Jesus fuck.
So I attacked. Now I don’t know if it looked awesome or anything. But fuck it. I felt like a fucking king. And it was extremely gratifying. It went on for about thirty seconds and then she screeched.
Screech: You cut me!
And she ran inside.
I fucking cut a bitch. I stood there for like, 10 drunken seconds all like……woah.
And to be entirely honest. I felt good. I walked back inside and everybody was talking about it. Asking me what happened and tripping balls and shit. And I go up to the bathroom and find that she’s in there with Granola, and she’s crying. I’ll admit, I felt a pang of guilt. But.
Rooster: Well fuck. She wanted a fucking sword fight. She knew what she was getting into.
And besides. It was just a cut on her finger. Yes, it bled. But come on.
Ultimately, I feel no guilt. Fuck that. This is super jokes. She wanted so annoyingly bad to have a sword fight. And she got what was coming to her.
I’m not saying I wanted to cut her. But it happened that way. Which is easily foreseen.
It’s not like. Don’t have a sword fight! You might get hit by a plane! Now THAT would be entirely fucking surprising. But one of these sharp weapons that we’re fighting with just happens to break the skin? Easily foreseen.
So this took up a lot of attention for the next hour or so. And I swear, the fact that I just cut her with a sword actually turned her on. She latched onto me for the next hour like she was gonna jump down my pants and fucking live there.
But I was so fucking annoyed with her that I wasn’t responding the way a guy should have. This night should have ended in a particular fashion.
Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have sword fight. Boy cuts girl. Girl cries. Girl wants boys cock. Boy power fucks girl.
But this isn’t what happened. I was a super dick to her from that point on, because I was so fucking FUCKING FUUUUUUUCKING annoyed with her and the whole situation. I was so mean to her, that it drove her away entirely. And ultimately, to another guy’s cock. Which leads to the rest of the party.
So after this the party fills up like a fucking U2 concert. But for better reason, because U2 wasn’t there.
But it’s safe to say the noise level rose like they were. In one corner FlipSide and I are jamming out on our acoustics with some of Granola’s older Jamaican friends. Which was fucking fantastic.
Middle of the room has a tiny game of Flip Cup going. And when I say tiny, I mean that literally. It was on a tiny table with tiny cups. People were actually on their knees.
In another corner, Princess is sitting there. Likely past judge and onto executioner mode. I’m not a slut, And I was terrified for my life.
Screech is making her rounds, from guy to guy, until she ends up in another corner. She’s dancing all slutty, with her super hot body. And starts make out sessions with a couple other girls that are present. One of Granola’s Jamaican buddies was literally open mouthed watching this occur. While a couple guys are filming this shit. Like I said. American Pie party.
All this is going down with music going in the background. It was fantastically chaotic. And you can quote me on that.
And after another ten minutes or so, I find out that Screech and two girls have moved into Granola’s bed room and closed the door.
No. Fucking. Way. I was entirely tripping balls over this. And I needed to see this. Just like every other guy present. So I walk up to the door, where JimJim and Strong are standing. And I start telling people that I’m going in. My plan was to walk in all surprised looking for the bathroom. In the least subtle way possible. Foolproof. I know. But as I walk up, JimJim and Strong hold up their hands as if they’re bouncers.
Strong: You can’t go in man.
Rooster: Come on man! My plan is fucking brilliant!
JimJim: Granola’s in there.
Strong: Granola’s in there man.
Rooster: GRANOLA’S IN THERE!?!?
And the news spread through the party like a fucking forest fire. Granola was in the room with 3 fucking girls. 3 FUCKING GIRLS. Everybody fucking freaked out.
And Princess exploded. It took a bunch of us to put all the pieces back together. Princess and PornStar were the first to leave. With JimJim. And she wanted out so bad, she grabbed JimJim’s fucking newly opened beer and dumped it.
Now I won’t go into specifics here. Granola did get a good fucking time outta that experience. But unfortunately for him, the rest of the party owned his face.
This happening signalled the end of the party. And everyone started peacing out. And more than one person had stuff in Granola’s room. So needless to say. His party performed the biggest cock block in Canadian history. I included.
People kept opening the door to get shit. Screech was almost completely fucking naked fucking right away. And she may have gotten a little bit of Granola Bar. At least in the mouth.
But every time it happened.
Granola: GET THE FUCK OUT!
He screamed that at least 5 times before FlipSide and I got outta there.
And unfortunately. Granola’s hook up with 3 women, was rendered incomplete.
But despite that. Come on. What a fucking thing to happen when you get your first condo. Fucking boss mother fucker that Granola. I apologize on behalf of the entire congregation for the massive cock block. And I apologize to your awesome girlfriend for this story. (He was single the night of. Just in case anyone thought differently)
And that, my friends. Is the story of the sword fight, and the foursome.